


A Million Years

by KatieWho



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Gen, I'm Bad At Tagging, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Post-Spider-Man: Homecoming, Songfic, Tony is struggling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 10:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13432662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KatieWho/pseuds/KatieWho
Summary: Oh God, in that instant his chest felt numb and as heavy as lead that he thought he might choke on the spot. Breathing was achingly hard and wore him down when he thought of the friends he left behind. Who got put in a prison and just barely made it out again. And even though he did not put them away himself he felt just as guilty as if he had. When he agreed to the Accords he made his friends wanted criminals who now were scattered all across the world. His family...





	A Million Years

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first try at writing Tony, also the first time posting on this site. I'm sorry if Tony feels out of character, I tried my best.  
> I just had a lot of feelings after watching Spider-Man: Homecoming and the Infinity War trailer...
> 
> I'm not a native speaker so if you find any mistakes please let me know so I can fix them!  
> It's sort of a songfic because that seems to be the only thing I can write, haha. The song is called "A Million Years Ago" by Adele.  
> Enjoy! :)

_TONY'S POV_

 

 

_I only wanted to have fun  
Learning to fly, learning to run_

_____ _

 

Being Iron Man had been one of the best things in life that ever happened to him, that he had made all by himself. The fun he had, all the times he tried something new, when he flew around the city and watched everything from far up above. Every time he tinkered with a new suit it made him forget everything that was going on in his life at that time. He just wanted to see what life could be and feel like and never really imagined anything like it was now. He never imagined that kids and teens alike would look at him like he'd hung the moon. He became a role model and what was fun at first slowly evolved into something very serious. Just shortly after he made his first suit there was this thing with Obadiah, the betrayal, and he lost the one person who came closest to being a father figure to him. When they fought they brought so many innocent people into it, destroyed streets and whole buildings. It was then it became clear to him what he had built with that first suit. He never wanted to create a hero, never been one himself really, but some people seemed to believe he was. And all the responsibility being a hero brought with it...all he ever wanted was to have some fun.

 

_I let my heart decide the way  
When I was young_

 

Even as a kid he always went after what his gut told him, after what his heart told him and stood up for the things he believed in. Then he went down a wrong path, angry at his father and that he never seemed to be enough for him. There was always a new invention, a new technology more interesting than him. They were more important to his father. Tony realized that prety fast even though he was but a child. All he ever wanted was his father to look at him and really **see** him, to be proud of what his son had created all by himself, but it was never enough. So he decided not to try anymore and instead turned to alcohol, to drugs and loud wild parties. The older he got the more practiced he became at closing himself off to the world and the people around him. He ignored everything that could even remotely hurt him in any way. He admitted that he had done a lot of stupid things in his youth. Some might say even more when he grew up and became an adult.

 

 _Deep down I must have always known_  
_That this would be inevitable_  
_To earn my stripes I'd have to pay  
And bare my soul_

 

He always thought it might all come back to bite him in the ass someday. He just never imagined it would cost him this much. He had learned through the years to never mind much which stories the press told about him. Never bothered when they talked about him being drunk out of his mind after one too many parties in a row, or the number of women he brought home with him. But that eventually led to most people thinking there wasn't a good bone in him. Counting the fact he produced weapons that killed a lot of people, he didn't have a good image. He only stopped when he saw first hand what his machinery did to the world. That he hurt kids and young humans, who would've had a bright future otherwise. They died and he lived his life, none the wiser. But that changed and he tried everything to right some of the wrongs he caused but most of the people listening didn't believe any words of honesty he uttered.  
But that was only the beginning.

 

 _I know I'm not the only one_  
_Who regrets the things they've done_  
_Sometimes I just feel it's only me  
Who can't stand the reflection that they see _

 

Remorse was no stranger to Tony. He regretted many of the things he'd done, regretted how he had hurt some of his closest friends with things he did and comments he had made. He'd never say it out loud though, it was so much easier to put on a mask and act like he didn't care. Like none of it affected him in any way. But whatever he did, that feeling never really left him, the feeling that he was a bad man even in his best moments. In the end he always left those behind that mattered most to him.  
His self-loathing kept him from looking in the mirror most of the time, he couldn't stand the face he saw, he'd rather smash it with his one hands than endure it any longer. He even did once. Later that day Pepper found him and tended to his wounds, trying to ask question and coax the reason for it out of him. But he never gave her an answer, couldn't burden her with his demons. He tried to protect her from the darkness of it all because she was his only source of light to safe him from himself. He couldn't risk losing her because of that. He'd already put her through way too much in the time they've known each other, like when one of suits almost choked her to death or when he disappeared for weeks without a trace. She'd been through too much already, almost died too often because of his own arrogance or stupidity. So he kept it all to himself and fought for and against himself.

 

_I wish I could live a little more  
Look up to the sky not just the floor_

 

He wanted to see more than the bad and cruel things in life. More than the people he'd lost. More than the lives he'd destroyed. He was a futurist but couldn't seem to see a future for himself. There was always just an end. A hard and unforgiving ending that would take everything from him. He never seemed to be able to go further, he was rooted to the spot and had the feeling he couldn't fly even with his suit on. His feet were frozen to the spot he stood on and sometimes it seemed he might never be able to take a step away again.

 

_I feel like my life is flashing by  
And all I can do is watch and cry_

 

In such moments fear gripped him so tight it made his life flash before his eyes, but not only his past but also a future in which he only saw death and doom. And when he tried remembering the good times, the most wonderful moments in his life which had brought him a family, they just blurred and faded with the darkness in his mind. He wondered then if they ever really happened at all because they were gone in the blink of an eye.

 

_I miss the air I miss my friends_

 

Oh God, in that instant his chest felt numb and as heavy as lead that he thought he might choke on the spot. Breathing was achingly hard and wore him down when he thought of the friends he left behind. Who got put in a prison and just barely made it out again. And even though he did not put them away himself he felt just as guilty as if he had. When he agreed to the Accords he made his friends wanted criminals who now were scattered all across the world. His family. His only hope to feel grounded and be optimistic in a world he put on himself. They meant more to him than he could ever put into words and to miss them, the thought of being even remotely responsible for their pain kept him from breathing. His hand flew to his chest and he tried desperately to get some air into his lungs. He wasn't sure how and when, **if** he would ever see them again. Even though he knew that everyone played a part in what happened he couldn't stop from asking himself if there wasn't something he could've done differently, just so Steve would've trusted him more. Was their friendship still that frail? He had always thought that after everything they've been through together, nothing could break them apart anymore. That they'd be there for each other no matter what, that the Avengers would be stronger than whatever tried to tear them apart. He'd always tried finding solutions, to get them all back without any penalties, to find new options and regulations for the Accords to protect everyone that he loved. And he hoped from the bottom of his heart he could save the friendship he had with Steve. So much had happened and many things were said on both their parts, some of them he couldn't forgive quite as easily as others but missing them hurt so much he'd do anything to turn back time and find another way.

 

_I miss my mother I miss it when_

 

What would his mother have done in situations like these? If Bucky hadn't....no, he wouldn't go down that road right now. His mom had always been there for him when his father was too busy loving his newest invention or saving his hero friend from being frozen in a block of ice. Tony had fought against a ghost since he could remember and didn't win then so why would he against the real person? He shook his head, trying to free himself from these thoughts. His mother would've known what to do. She could've given him a perspective that made solving this problem easier. Or she would've just hugged him tight and make him feel as safe as he hadn't in a long while. Pepper....

 

_Life was a party to be thrown  
But that was a million years ago_

 

Why weren't there any parties anymore? Evenings when he could just forget everything, get drunk with a beautiful lady whose hair colour he'd forget before he awoke the next morning to go tinker in one if his labs. It felt like millennia had passed since the last time he felt as free. When he became Iron Man he got that feeling back for just a short while but even that came and went as quickly as the blink of an eye. It went with all the responsibilities being a superhero brought with it. And even though no one expected him to he took it very seriously. He's never been good at showing emotions even if it could've taken him to his goal a whole lot faster. Arrogance and pride were so much a part of the mask he put on every day for the outside world that he forgot how he ever went without them. Not many people knew his real self and some of the ones that did...well, they disappeared. Hiding from a government that only wanted their imprisonment.

 

 _When I walk around all of the streets_  
_Where I grew up and found my feet_  
_They can't look me in the eye  
It's like they're scared of me_

 

When he walked around New York today people did recognise him but only a few could bring themselves to smile at him. Many had heard of the _Sokovia Accords_ and thought him responsible for their favourite heroes disappearing and a whole city lifting itself up into the sky, ready to destroy the world they lived on.  
In Sokovia many people felt only contempt for Iron Man, some of the children were even scared of him. Had suffered by the hand of Tony when he was still producing weapons that destroyed city parts and their flats. Tony was still responsible for these weapons as long as they were used against humanity.

 

 _I try to think of things to say_  
_Like a joke or a memory_  
_But they don't recognise me now  
In the light of day_

 

With his quick wit he tried to make people like him or even just the image he portrayed on the outside but he slacked at it. There were better times. His jokes didn't elicit as much laughter as they had before because most everyone still thought he didn't grasp the gravity of the situation he found himself in. But they were wrong. Oh, were they wrong. But he knew it alright. Sometimes it made the words stuck in his throat.  
He thought back on his last encounter with the Captain, how mercilessly they had fought against each other in Serbia. Back to the moment he realised he couldn't find his best friend in the person that now stood before him, shield raised. That he didn't want to recognise him and also not try and understand him. “He is my best friend.”, Steve had said about Bucky and the words cut through his heart like a knife because he had been too. Once.

 

 _I know I'm not the only one_  
_Who regrets the things they've done_  
_Sometimes I just feel it's only me  
Who never became who they thought they'd be_

 

He hadn't imagined his life to go like this. Nobody had believed he'd become a superhero one day who protected the world against forces no soul had seen before. Of course it had been a nice dream when he was a kid. But just that. The reality of it was much darker and harder than one would dare to imagine. He had wanted to run his company, make the world a better place and that was it. He hadn't planned on much more, maybe to marry a beautiful gorgeous woman (Pepper) someday but even that seemed out of reach now. And the burden of his decisions pulled him deeper into the dark sea of his mind.

 

 _I wish I could live a little more_  
_Look up to the sky and not the floor_  
_I feel like my life is flashing by  
And all I can do is watch and cry_

 

He'd give anything to feel as free and normal as he had when he was young. To see more hope, optimism and happiness in the world he formed for himself than he felt able to in this moment.

 

 _I miss the air I miss my friends_  
_I miss my mother I miss it when  
Life was a party to be thrown_

 

His friends, his family meant the world to him and he would do everything in his power to have them back. He'd fight for it until he took his last breath. No matter how wrong is decisions had been at times, how wrong every single one of them might've been in their fight, they deserved a life where they didn't have to run. And maybe he could forgive himself then.

 

_But that was a million years ago  
A million years ago_

 

Everything would change. Soon. He could feel it. That was why he gave everything to prepare even the youngest of them. Showing him how to fight and working on his suit until he was sure that nothing could hurt the boy. He'd been through too much in his young life already, so had his aunt, that Tony tried everything in his power to spare him any suffering possible. He knew he could never keep him from fighting, he resembled Steve in that perspective tremendously. His loyalty and ambition. Tony breathed out a short laugh. If they had met under very different circumstances they would've made awesome partners.  
He knew how the boy had reacted to every single one of the Avengers, with awe and amazement but still enough balls to trust his instincts and his abilities to fight them and hold his own.  
Tony still worked on gadgets for the others. A new shield for Cap, a new variation of arrows for Barton, lighter weapons for Natasha and a less heavy version of the prosthesis for Rhodey. He even tinkered with some adjustments for their newest team members.  
Because in just a short while they could all make use of them, they'd need them. And he will do anything in his powers to make his family be as safe as they possibly could. He'll bring them all home, even if it meant giving his own life. But at least it would make him feel like he'd done something good with it. Because if his family was happy and alive he could be too.

 

Tony turned back around from where he was looking out the window to watch Peter work on his Spider-Man suit for a while. The boy was too engrossed in his work to notice much of anything other than what he was working on.  
For him he'd keep going. He'd be the best version of himself to try and come a bit closer to the picture the boy painted of him. He'd be the mentor he had needed himself in his younger years. He'd be there for the kid to share his demons to make sure they will never come to haunt him like his own did so often. The boy deserved a normal and happy life. Because one day Peter will be better than all of them put together. He would be the best of them. Tony was convinced of that.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! If you enjoyed it in any way please leave kudos or a comment - I take whatever I can get. :)


End file.
